Feeling absolutely retched and horrible on, in my opinion, the 2nd dumbest day of the year New Year's Eve, I went stumbling about on the internet. I found this blog Why I Hate New Years - Repost and decided to officially start on my blog.
I wanted this blog to become a chronicle of my new life, in a new place, in a new year. In the past 24 hours, my world was flipped upside down. I went from complete excitement of thoughts of my new life to be in New York to not wanting to wake up. I knew, I KNEW I was asking for trouble, I mean hell I never have any kind of luck this time of year. Yesterday and today I did not want to leave my bed, eat, drink, or talk to anyone. It felt like someone DIED. My dream, that's been brewing for nearly a year, has died. A part of me has died.
I have a tendency of putting all my eggs into one basket and throwing myself into situations, only to typically regret them later. I have been coined a 'flip flop decision maker' and live a life of shoulda, coulda, wouldas......and I hate it. I wanted 2009 to be the year that I found myself, to find out what Scarlett is made of. I know its not even 2009 YET, but I just have a sinking feeling that is composed of 3 parts desperation, 2 parts sadness, a dash of nostalgia and a BOATLOAD of self loathing.
Here I am 26, living with my parents in a place I dispise, in a body I hate (who doesn't), unemployed for just enough time to have a baby (no I don't have a child) and alone as usual. I'm an artist with little to no self confidence (always depending on the day) on my talent, but I have this great longing to go to art school. Why haven't I applied to art school?? I feel I'm too far behind and wouldn't be up to par with other students that have consistently taken art classes and honed their skills.
In the words of Queen "Ive got to break free/God knows God knows I want to break free", I have to break free from this life that I don't feel is my own and find a path that suits me. I need to break free of this imaginary, yet very strong, harness that seems to pull me deeper and deeper to a place I don't want to be.
Mike Myers - Phillip, The Hyper-Hypo Kid
I only wish chocolate gave me the same high :\
Well, I started this blog at 8 p.m. on NYE and now its ten minutes until 2 a.m. I was somehow finagled into leaving the house and spend New Year's with strangers. Normally I watch the ball drop and I go to bed, not this year. One person missed it and thanks to DVR we had to rewind so she could watch. It was like a time machine back to an event I didn't want to be a part of to begin with. I just have to remember that this is just another day of the year.
In any case, I want 2009 to be different. I don't want to be in the same lonely place that I am currently in for another 365 days. Perhaps I'll take a stab at this art school thing, somewhere, ANYWHERE away from here. I deserve to dream don't I?
A recent discovery and title to this blog
Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year
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